Losing a Father at 27

This blog is dedicated to my late father who had passed away on February 28, 2018. I decided to write a blog about my father as a way to express myself about the loss, grievance, guilt and my fondest memories of him. 

My father, Chan Ming Hsan had been ill for 8 years and he was the strongest man I ever know of. He fought for many years and survived 2 strokes. He had high blood pressure and as well as diabetes mellitus. Despite all these sicknesses, he managed to live his life and continue to fight it until his very last breath. My father was only 70 years old when he left this world. 

My father in his younger days

Back when everything were so simple

THE PHONE CALL THAT CHANGED MY LIFE FOREVER

I received a call from my big brother, Clinton on 28th February at around 7:20 pm. I just got on the train and took off my coat and my phone from the pocket. As I picked up the call, I was struck by the sudden news from my brother. He said, "Papa is gone" and I replied "Huh? What do you mean by gone?"  "Like he's dead?" and he said in return, "I think so.." I was speechless.

My mother was calling on the other line as well and as I picked up the call, I immediately asked her if what my brother said was true and to my surprise, it was true, my father had left us. My mother told me that I can still see my father before they move him to the morgue. I rushed to the hospital as soon as I can, I was in tears and my heart was crushing so much after hearing the very sad news. That phone call has changed my life forever. 

WHEN I SAW MY FATHER ON HIS DEATHBED

My heart was beating so hard as I enter the hospital. I was thinking to myself "Am I really ready to see my father on his deathbed?" I went on to face the reality. I was speechless when I got into his bed station. My tears kept flowing down as I look at him. We were all trying to wake him up and telling him that he cannot leave us just yet. I saw my mother pumping my father's heart, like CPR. It took us a while to leave his bed station. Everything was still a shock and it's still processing in my mind slowly. Half of the time at the hospital, I was thinking that it is not real and he will wake up in just a few minutes, but he never did. 

My big sister took care of the arrangements for them to deliver our father's body to the morgue. I couldn't stomach it, I tried listening and looking at the paperwork but I can't deal with it. I walked away. My boyfriend Ryan called as he saw my message and he was just as surprised as everyone was by the news. I expressed to him, "My father left us. No one will bring me to the aisle when I get married" 

It was a painful moment when two men arrived with a mortuary tray and soon they led us to the main entrance where the morgue was. It was still all sudden to me. 

TWO DAYS BEFORE MY FATHER PASSED AWAY

I remember seeing my father two days before he passed away. He was confined in the hospital to get treatment. When I arrived at his bed station, I woke him up by shaking his body. He opened his eyes and saw me, he put up his hand and held my hand and smiled very sweetly. I hardly remember when was the last time I saw my father smiled that way. I asked how he was and he said happily that he is getting better and he is coming home very soon. I really thought he was recovering. I will always remember how happy and peaceful he was that night I last saw him. 

My sister arrived shortly and we all chatted until it was the end of the visiting hours. Little did we know that was the last time we will ever see our father alive, smiling and our last goodbye with him. If I knew that he will be gone two days later, I would've hugged him really tightly and stayed with him even longer. I would've probably begged him not to leave us, it may sound very selfish of me but I am sincerely not ready to lose my father yet. 

ON HIS LAST BIRTHDAY - HE LIVED A FRUITFUL 70 YEARS

Despite the sad news, we were still lucky to have celebrated my father's 70th birthday last year and we were able to get him two delicious cakes and cooked his favorite dishes. My father loves eating sweet, although he only had a thin slice because he can't eat a lot of sweet stuff. Little did we all know that was his last birthday with us. Unfortunately, my father is never going to reach 71 years old but his birthday will never be forgotten. 

He loved his 2 birthday cakes

Last family photo with our father

GRIEVING IS VERY CRUCIAL

The grieving part is the hardest and most unbearable thing I ever have to deal with. I still went to work the next day. My mother advised us all to continue with our lives and although we must mourn, my father wouldn't want to see us suffering. It was hard pretending to be alright at work. I work with children, I am an English teacher in a learning center and as a teacher, I must be very vocal and energetic. It was hard and yet I was distracted for at least a moment I wasn't thinking about my father and then I would remember him again. The first two weeks were very hard. There were times I had to escape to the toilet and cry a little bit and go back to my class. 

I am still grieving over his death. I am not over it. I don't know when I will recover from this, only time can heal the grief that I feel. 

I HATE BEING ALONE

Being alone makes me vulnerable. I hate and I am afraid of being left alone. I tried to surround myself with people all the time, so I get distracted and to keep myself busy. This is the only way I could think of that would somehow ease the pain, although it's only temporarily, it somehow helped me feel a little bit better about the situation. 

I am very grateful and thankful to the people who were there for me during this fiasco. 

I SMILE ON THE OUTSIDE BUT DYING INSIDE

I am a happy and positive person. I smile or laugh at simple things and even corny jokes. I normally feel happy whenever I smile, however, I find it very difficult to feel the same now. I may be smiling on the outside but I am completely dead inside. I feel that there is a big hole in my heart. Regardless, I still keep on telling myself that everything will be okay in time and that I should keep smiling as this is what my father would want me to do, that is to smile. 

PRETENDING TO BE OKAY IS NOT OKAY

Not a lot of people know what my family is going through and for those who don't know, I have to pretend to be okay with them. You see, I'm not out to seek anyone's attention and I don't want people to worry about me. Whilst it is all still fresh, I keep the news only to a few people I am comfortable with. With that being said, I still think that pretending to be okay is not okay, however, we must face the reality and must think positively that everything will be well.

IT NEVER GETS EASIER, IT ONLY GETS HARDER DAY BY DAY

Just when I thought I was fine and starting to move on, I come to realize that I never will as it only gets harder day by day, weeks by weeks, months by months and probably years by years. I remember feeling slightly a little better after three weeks. Then out of the blue, I find myself grieving once again. Reliving all those painful memories the night my father died. 

ALL I WANT IS TO BREAK FREE FROM ALL THE PAIN

I work six days a week, nine hours a day at work and gym sessions three times a week. I try to live normally and go on with my life but to be honest, all I want to do is to break free and just don't show up to work, to the gym or see anyone at all. I wasn't entirely interested in anything and my mood has been changing drastically. I just want to lock myself in a room full of darkness and mourn. But I needed to fight that feeling as it won't do me any good. This is not what my father would want and I don't want to make people worry about me. 

WATCHING MY FATHER SUFFER FOR 8 YEARS BREAKS MY HEART

For 8 years, my father battled with many sicknesses. He fought with it and stayed strong. It killed me to see him suffer as he was once a proud and strong man. He taught me many things and showed me many things when he was still able to. He wasn't paralyzed after his stroke, he could still walk but he was not the same man anymore. I still love my father in spite of the changes, it just really hurts to see him suffer for too long and it hurts, even more, when he left us. 

My father always tells me that he will not last very long since he got sick. Every year, I made it for his birthday and I had no intention of missing them. Unfortunately, last year was his last birthday with us. My father taught me many things but he never taught me how to live without a father. 

A HOLE IN MY HEART AND FEELING INCOMPLETE

There is a hole in my heart, even until now. After my father left us, I felt that a part of me is missing and without that missing piece, I am incomplete. Sometimes I try to look for that missing piece but the truth is no one can ever replace my father. I will always have one father and that is him. He is irreplaceable. 

PEOPLE WHO WERE THERE FOR ME AND MY FAMILY

I am very surprised for those who had and are still with us during this very sad moment of our lives. I can't thank those people enough but I am very grateful for their support and help. It means a lot to see people care. In times like this, you get to really know who is really there for you and who is not. 

WHAT I EXPECTED FROM PEOPLE AND WHAT I DON'T

Honestly, I didn't really expect much from people. I received a lot of condolences and sorries from people and I am truly grateful for their sympathy. Some people also offered some help. It's a very weird feeling when I hear "condolences" or "sorries" from people because it only means that it is real, my father really had left this world. To be honest, I don't really know what to say to people. All I can say was "Thank you" or sometimes I just nodded just to acknowledge their sympathy.

The first few weeks, I received much help and I began to see that people do care. But as time goes by, people start to forget and they start to be normal around me, although, I can't blame them because most of the people probably don't have any idea of what I am going through. It is not something that I can get over within just a few weeks but I am really not expecting much from people. Although I feel quite disappointed with how quickly people forget, I really cannot blame them for anything. The only person who can help me recover is myself. 

I FEEL LIKE NO ONE UNDERSTAND WHAT IM FEELING

It's true that not everyone can understand what I am going through or what my family is going through. I only know a few people who had lost their parent at a young age and the other 80% of people that I know have no idea how it actually feels like. There were many moments that I thought that nobody understands me and no one is getting what I am feeling. 

I met a few people who had lost their father in their 20s, just like me. I started sharing my stories about my father and same goes for them. I felt a little better after opening up. It made me feel that I am not alone in this. 

 

I HAVE THOUGHT OF SEEING A THERAPIST

Honestly speaking, I had thought of seeing a therapist. I told no one about this because I know what people will say to me. It is true, seeing a therapist is not an option and it is understandable why I was having a thought about it. There was a moment when I just want to talk to someone who doesn't know who I am and know nothing about my life. Just when I came back to my senses, I started scolding myself and called myself "Pathetic" for even thinking about. I know I can do this, It may take a long time to recover but I can do this on my own. My father taught me well. 

SOMETIMES I AM STILL IN DENIAL, NOT WANTING TO FACE THE REALITY

There are times when I feel that I have already accepted my father's death and then there are times when I am still in denial. It is really difficult to accept it right away. Whenever I am in denial, I start to think about the memories that I had with my father and the promises that he made. It feels like it's not really his time to go yet. I feel like he's just there next door or he just went out but he will be coming home soon. 

I WILL ALWAYS MISS HIS COMPLIMENTS 

To my father, I am perfect, even though I am not. He always shows me off to people and he compliments me a lot of times. That is how I think how I get my confidence from. He made me feel like I can be something in this world.

I remember that one time I was working on my school project. I had to use some recycled materials to make an eco-friendly clock. My father saw me working on it and told me that it looks beautiful. The next day, I passed my project and my professor was not totally impressed with my work and even said that an eight-year-old can do better than what I did. I realized that my father was patronizing me but not because he was lying about how my project really looks but because he understood how hard I worked on that project and that is his definition of beautiful. 

I will be longing for his words of compliments and courage. He is the reason why I am the way I am today. 

WAITING ALMOST TWO MONTHS TO LAY MY FATHER IN PEACE

My father passed away in Hong Kong and the funeral procedures here in Hong Kong is different than other countries. My father is a Buddhist and so it is a must to hold a traditional funeral. The earliest date available that we can hold a funeral for our father was a month later after he passed away. Then, we have to wait for two weeks until we can finally bring my father's urn back to the Philippines. It was such a relief when my father had been put to rest, all the waiting is over. My father can finally find peace. 

Frankly speaking, it was torture having to wait for almost two months to finally lay my father in peace. It is even harder to go on with life knowing that my father has not been put to rest yet. Everyday whenever I go to work, there was not a time that I don't think about how's my father doing, He must be feeling lost, lonely, cold and trapped in that morgue inside a zip bag. It's terrible and I cannot believe that this is how it is in Hong Kong. I was beyond displeased and as much as I wanted to do something about it, it is out of my control. The only thing I could do is to be patient and try to be strong for myself and for my family. 

I MADE A LETTER TO MY FATHER

Since my father left us unexpectedly and we didn't say our goodbyes yet. I decided to write him a letter. In that letter, I wrote down the things I want to say to him and what I want to promise him. Whilst I was writing the letter, I was getting emotional and it took me four attempts to finally finish the letter. 

On the day on his funeral, I slipped the letter into his pocket. I believe that there is a chance that he might be able to receive and read my letter to him. I have a feeling that he will be very happy with what I wrote in there. 

My letter to my father in Chinese

English version

THE LAST MOMENT WITH MY FATHER

Before the farewell ceremony and prayer on my father's funeral, we were given some time to be with our father for the last time before they put him inside his casket. It was a very heavy and emotional moment. I was with my mother at the time. We were both saying goodbye to him. My mother was crying so much and I comforted her. I have to be strong for my mother during that time and I had to pull her out of the room because I felt that she won't ever leave my father's side.

I cannot imagine how painful my mother was feeling during that moment. They had been together for 38 years. That was a long year of commitment, love, patience, and respect. 

THE HAND GESTURE

My father always asked for my hand with his left hand when I visited him in the hospital during his confinement. On the night that he passed away, I held the same hand that he always used to hold my hand. It's kind of a coincidence because two days before he left us, he had asked for my hand with his left hand once again and apparently for the last time. 

During his funeral, I had the chance to see him outside his casket. He was placed on a bed tray with a blanket. I held his left hand as much as I can every time I go into the room where his body was. It felt good holding his hand and I truly felt that he is holding my hand too. 

THE VERY LAST TIME I TOOK A GLIMPSE OF MY FATHER

The hardest part aside from mourning over my father's death was during the very last time I saw my father. He was already placed inside the casket whilst I and my family were taking around to have a look at him for the very last time. It was a painful moment. I thought to myself, "This is really happening, he is gone forever in this world." I will never ever see him face to face ever again. 

PASSING BY THE SAME FUNERAL EVERYDAY ON MY WAY TO WORK

One of my difficult moments whilst moving forward, which means going to work as usual was having to pass by the Funeral House, where my father had his funeral service. The last time I get to hold and see him happened in that place. I have to pass by that Funeral House on my way to work and on my way back home. There isn't any other convenient transportation that I could take to get to work. I didn't have a choice but to endure the pain each time I have to pass by there. I know for sure that I will eventually get over it after we've placed our father's urn in the Philippines in a Buddhist temple. 

My instinct was right, I no longer feel my father's presence in that Funeral House ever since we laid him to rest in a Buddhist temple in the Philippines. My inner self is telling me that he is now in peace and in a place where he can finally rest. 

MOOD CHANGES

I've noticed something very different about me since my father's death. My mood has been changing rapidly. Sometimes I am feeling okay and most of the time I feel devastated. I find myself dealing with mood swings, I was fine a moment ago then suddenly my mood changes in a split second later. Somehow, my mood swings have been affecting me in my daily life routines. I find myself less dedicated to work and I really don't have the mood to see people or to deal with anyone. 

I couldn't understand what I was feeling at first but I came to realize that all I need is time to heal, accept and to continue believing that everything will be alright in the right time. 

I WILL NOT MOVE ON BUT I WILL MOVE FORWARD

Unlike a broken relationship, moving on is not very hard, whilst losing a parent is incomparable. I used to think that moving on from a bad break up was difficult to deal with but I was wrong. Trying to move on from my father's death is beyond hard. There is no such thing as moving on. Instead, I will move forward in life. I will continue living my life the way my father wanted me to. 

I dislike the word move on because we often refer the word "move on" into bad breakups, whilst moving forward sounds a lot better to me. 

Losing my father made me realize many things. Life is indeed very short. We may often think that we have plenty of time to do what we want to do but we pay too little attention to how long a person will be able to stay with us. It's true that we don't think about this kind of situation until it has actually happened to us.

I cannot imagine how my life is going to be after losing my father but I know one thing for sure, he is there watching over us and I will live my life and be a better person. My father may have left this universe but his memories will never be forgotten. I will never forget about him and I will always remember all the things I have learned from him. I will share his memories with my children once I have my own. I want my future kiddos to know about how incredible their grandfather was.

I hope that my story will help those who had also lost a parent and finds it hard to move forward.  

Yours Truly,

Michelle Chan

15 Reasons Why I Start Blogging

So in case you're wondering why you end up in this page. It is probably because of the title that i put up. First of all, this isn't about the successful "13 Reasons Why" TV show which I loved dearly. But this blog entry is basically all about the 15 reasons why I start writing blogs and what made me want to put it out in public. 

So here goes my 15 reasons!

REASON #1 - I FANCY WRITING

I have a strong dedication to writing. Ever since I learn how to hold a pencil, all I do is write, write and write about things I learn in school, and eventually, I started to write my diary, then a journal. I like expressing myself in the paper. There is nothing else that makes me feel more at ease than expressing myself by writing down my thoughts and feelings. I am the type of person who prefers to list down my views, opinions and possible criticism about specific things. 

REASON #2 - SOME THINGS ARE BEST WRITTEN DOWN

Just like what I have mentioned in Reason #1, some things are better off in written words than spoken words. That is simply because writing it down means more details and information about certain things. I got to say, I like reading fully detailed things, so I would do the same too.

REASON #3 - I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO START A BLOG

It took me some time to feel confident and brave enough to start my blog. I remember telling a few of my close friends a few years back that I wanted to start blogging, but I wasn't that confident at that time yet. Luckily, I gained some confidence in myself, and I finally made it happen. So voila and again, welcome to my blog! 

REASON #4 - I LIKE TO EXPRESS MY THOUGHTS, IN WORDS

Don't get me wrong, I like to express myself verbally in front of people, but I think that I can express myself much better by writing it down since I'm into details and I do write quite informative. Plus, every time I write something, I always consider this as an opportunity to learn new words, more profound words and words that are not used very often. Discovering and expressing at the same time are fun in my world, and maybe to some people too.

REASON #5 - I TAKE BLOGGING SERIOUSLY

I have a secret to share with you all. I keep track of my blogs, and I got a schedule for what and when do I start a new blog. What can I say, I am a little crazy organised person, and I prefer to keep things in order. I think that's either a curse or a gift. Either way, it keeps me on track, and I make things happen.

REASON #6 - IT'S A FUN PASSION

I never actually thought that writing blogs would be entertaining to me. I know that writing a diary or journal is fun, but writing blogs are entirely different as it is made for people to see, read the absolute fact and that I have to keep it amusing and engaging. I somehow treat blogging like some experimentation. I don't just focus on blogging one subject, but I do write a ton of categories such as Travel, Dining, Fashion, Lifestyle, Tips and Hiking. I'm all about exploring.

REASON #7 - SOMETHING TO KEEP ME PRODUCTIVE 

I like to be productive and not spending my day off of doing absolutely nothing. So by writing blogs means I am productive, and I'm doing something useful in my life rather than being lazy and be bored at home. I always felt ecstatic and satisfied whenever I finish up a new blog.

REASON #8 - I HAVE A LOT TO SHARE ABOUT LIFE EXPERIENCES

I have been through a lot in life, and I am not ashamed to share most of my life experiences, good or bad, I treat them all as a blessing even though there are time that I may still be super sensitive about my past, but hey at least I learn something, which means something for me to share. Everybody learn life experiences in many different ways, but I know that my experiences can somehow relate to a lot of people, and I am more than happy and willingly would love to share it to people.

REASON #9 - WRITING PUSH ME TO BE CREATIVE

Writing things is not as easy as you may think it is. Writing takes a lot of effort, thoughts in mind and most importantly, how to make it sound exciting and not dull. When I started writing blogs, I honestly would say that I was quite slow, but I am improving, and it has been pushing me to be innovative and making my blog worth reading.

REASON #10 - THIS ISN'T MY FIRST BLOG PAGE

Yes, that's right! This website isn't my first blog page. Back in high school, Xanga.com was very trendy, and everybody at school uses Xanga to write blogs. I was really into it, and I got to say that my blogs back then are very childish and shallow but cute. I remember using a lot of emojis and shortcut words back in the days. I'm just happy that I have upgraded so much from what I used to. 

REASON #11 - I MAKE THINGS HAPPEN

I have told myself millions of times that I would start my blog one day, and indeed, I did. I know it may have taken me years, but I made it happen. I don't say things, but I do what I say, which means I'm not a bullshitter. 

REASON #12 - WRITING HAVE GOT ME TO KNOW MYSELF MUCH BETTER & DEEPER

As I keep writing blogs, I have come to realise more about myself, something I have never noticed before. An example would be I have come to realise how madly crazy I am when it comes to this matter. I care about what I write and how to always improve myself even better. I have also learned how much further I want to gain from blogging. Who knows maybe one day, I will become an influential blogger? I mean anything is possible.

REASON #13 - I BECAME MORE EXPRESSIVE THAN EVER

I have also realised that I have become more and more expressive. I have been more passionate and engaging. 

REASON #14 - I HAVE MY GOOD & BAD MOMENTS

I have deliberated with myself whether I should start my blog or not countless of times. Half of the reason why is that I was afraid of criticism and I'm not very sure how would people react to this. But then I was fortunate enough to have some good people in my life supporting me on this. Without them, I would probably wouldn't have the courage to do it. But of course, everything is still up to me, which by the end of the day, it will always be my decision. 

REASON #15 - IF NOT NOW THEN WHEN

That has said it all, I guess. If not, now then when? I was caught up in between low confidence and lack of motivation to start a blog a few years ago. Until last year, I snapped myself and told myself that I got to do this now or never. I'm 26 years old, but it's still never too late. There isn't any age limit for blogging, and nothing is going to stop me once I started. 

I hope you find this blog entertaining to read. I want to share some bits of the reasons why I started my blog. I think it's important for people to know why and for people to see a bit about my story. 

Yours Truly, 

Michelle Chan

I Reach Number 26

Since I just turned 26 about three weeks ago, I would like to share what I have experience living for 26 years in this beautiful yet complicated world that we are living in. While I was writing this blog, I have also come to realized a ton of things about myself, what I have accomplished, and what I have learned in life. This blog is all about my journey that I am proud to share to you all.

My timeline from 0 year old to 26 years old

10 QUICK FUN FACTS ABOUT ME

1. I moved to Hong Kong when I was 13 years old

2.  I was a working student during college 

3.  I am obsessed with vinegar

4. I did bungy jumping at Macau Tower in year 2013

5. My favorite season is Autumn

6.  I am terrified of spiders and centipedes 

7.  My tolerance for Alcohol intake is pretty high and my favorite liquor is Tequila

8.  I have a unique Chinese name

9.  I do not eat pork for almost a year now (I stopped since March 2016)

10. I like to suck the egg yolk (that's how I eat my egg)

Me during my childhood days and if you notice, my hair were all short hair as my mother never let me keep my hair long HA!

MY CHILDHOOD MEMORIES

I had a happy childhood life back then. I would find absolutely anything, and everything fun and I am always looking for something to be excited. Considering that I was the youngest in the family and the age gap between my siblings and I are quite far, but I was never bored. It is what I would always want to go back to if I were to be given a once in a lifetime chance to go back. I was a curious child, and I would always look for something to do to amuse myself.

Childhood, for me, was very carefree. I am free from all the problems. But even as a child, I have witnessed quite a lot of things and some of it I had to deal with it by myself. I have seen some sad moments, such as witnessing my two brothers fighting. I witnessed my pets dying, who meant the world to me during those times. I have experienced loss in competitions in which I hate losing. I have to deal with jealousy as a child caused by some family members. Lastly, when my grandfather's died from his illness. It is the saddest and painful moment that I have encountered as a child. 

A few weeks before my beloved grandpa died, I visited him in his home together with my mom, and upon arrival, he asked me to come over to his favourite couch. He wasn't saying anything to me, but I felt the connection while he was looking at my eyes while holding my tiny hands. It seems like he is saying goodbye to me. Then, a few days later, he passed away. It took me a while to finally sink the unfortunate news in my mind that he is gone. On his cremation day, that was the first and last time I saw his face inside the coffin since he passed away and tears automatically dripped down my cheeks. It was a traumatising experience. I was only nine years old when that happens. I will forever miss him dearly. 

DEALING WITH PUBERTY

Me as a teenager

Puberty for me was a mix-emotion, and I was sensitive, just the same as what any other teenagers had to face during adolescence. Some of you might even relate to my story. My mood was very complicated, sometimes I am happy, and sometimes I am suddenly sad for no reason. My monthly period used to be so painful and unbearable. There were even times where I would cry and pray to God to take my pain away.

Puberty was never easy to deal with in the first place. You are not only dealing with the physical changes but as well as emotions that are quite hard to control and to fully understand it. I did have a lot of emotional and physical problems that have both led me to become paranoid, dramatic, sensitive and insecure about myself. I used to take all my hurdles as if like it is the end of the world. Although my problem during those times was just a teeny tiny one, I still became dramatic at some point. I used to take every word from everyone very seriously. When people do not do what they say they would or when they lie to me, I became agitated, and there were times that I would not even speak to that person for a while. When I was 13 years old, I started having pimples all over my forehead. I used to hate it, and I ridiculously tries to pluck it off (I know most people used to do this as well). The pimples made me feel insecure, and I wanted to get rid of it so badly. It was understandable that as a young child, it was tough to control our feelings towards the changes that have been happening. For me, It felt like I was trap inside a bomb that wanted to explode so severely.

How I have dealt with puberty is simply by going with it. Life goes on. My mother used to advise me to be patient and not to think about it too much as it is very typical for every teenager to go through that phase, and soon the sufferings will be over. Well, she was, indeed, right. As soon as I reached the final stage, I started feeling good about myself, and I became immune to it. I became a brand new person who had gained some confidence and faith in myself.

MY FAMILY

I belong to a big family tree (on my mother's side). In my family, I have three siblings, and I am the youngest. As you know, being the youngest was never an easy thing. I got most of the attention, and one simple mistake could be a big deal already. Most of the youngest in the family is known for being the "Rebel" or the 'Black Sheep" in the family. I can say that I am quite of a rebel at some point in my life. My family were quite strict with me. I was not allowed to have any boyfriends, I have curfews, and I never had any sleepover till I was 19 years old (If it were not because it was a school excursion then my parents would not agree to let me go).

Well, I secretly had boyfriends, and eventually, I learned to lie. I am not proud of what I did, nor was I ashamed of it. I have learned a lot while rebelling, and the things that I had been through made me become a better person. Well, at least I got some moral lessons to share with my future children and grandchildren one day. It is always good to tell a story, to teach and to understand people when you have experienced it yourself because it sounds more realistic. 

Anyways, back to my family. My mother's side surname is "So". I have two uncles, three aunts with 15 cousins. Most of my cousins are married and with kids already. When we have our family gathering, our family tree looks huge. 

My grandparents were my idols and were the perfect role models. I know they were not a perfect person, and they had made mistakes just like every human being. But what I admired about them the most were the qualities that they had in them. My grandpa came from a poor family, and while my grandma was born in a wealthy family. When they got married, my grandma's father did not support their marriage, and that led my grandma to suffer. But my grandpa was a hardworking man, and he had worked many jobs to support his big family, until one day, his sacrifices have paid off as he became rich. It was his hard work that motivates me that I can also be what my grandpa had grown as long as I work hard. My grandparents are both loving, generous and understanding. It has been years since they passed away, but they will always have a special place in my heart, and I will always share their story because I am super proud of them.

DEALING WITH FRIENDS & BROKEN FRIENDSHIPS

I do not have a lot of friends. I used to have a bunch of people who I thought were real people and to whom I thought were my rock. Unfortunately, things had changed, and so does people. It is true "Friends come and go" It is not necessary that it is my fault or their fault on why the friendship had faded. It is just how it is. We had a mutual understanding that we are all different and that we are not going in the same directions. However, I am still thankful to the people I was friends with in the past, as I have also learned something from each of them and of course for the memories they had given me (good & bad). 

How I deal with a broken friendship is quite practical, but back in high school, I used to cry a lot whenever a friendship fades. It was frustrating for me as I know that I was a good and a loyal friend, but things did not go well, and something is not right. So I eventually learned not to push myself too much when I know it is not going to change anything, maybe it will only change for the worst. I go with the flow. It sucks to lose a friendship bond, but we all know for sure that we will gain a new friend at the right time. 

To the friends that are still with me until now, I would like to say thank you for keeping up with me all this time and for the love you all have been showing me. I truly appreciate it.

DEALING WITH HEARTBREAKS

I think I have dealt with heartbreaks for about three times in my 26 years. I had experienced a different kind of pain and learned many different types of lessons in all three heartbreaks. I am not going to throw anybody's name here. The truth is I am not friends with any of my ex-boyfriends, and I do not want to deal with anyone or anything from the past. Once a relationship is over, it is forever gone and buried. I prefer to leave it behind and focus on the present and future. 

In every heartbreak that I had experienced were all painful (duh!). I believe that I was a good partner, but I guess being good was not enough to keep a man by my side. I was told by one of my ex-boyfriends that I was too kind and that I deserve someone better. Well, that is complete bullshit! Think about it, if you had a good girlfriend, why on earth would you let her go? I used to be so angry and so frustrated. I am let down big time and which have led me to alcohol. Alcohol was my best pal, and I used to think that getting drunk probably is what will soothe the pain away, but I was wrong. It took me a while to finally realise that I am the only one who can help myself by being strong and always to think positively. Thanks to them for hurting me, so I learned not to trust people that easily. Thanks to them for letting me go so that I can find a better man that knows how to treat a lady well. Thanks to them for fooling me, so I became wiser and to think twice about all the decisions that I will make. All I can say is that I am what I am because of all the things that I had been through and learned.

My favourite pictures of us

Well, it took me 22 years to finally meet the man and the answers to my wishes. I have been dating this awesome man called Ryan for about four years now. He may not be the perfect man, but I know he is the right one for me. He has a great sense of humour, and he has never failed to make me laugh. I have never felt this much love and positive vibes from anybody before. Ryan and I had been friends for quite some time before we became a couple, and It is funny how we even got together in the first place. We both felt that there was a connection between us, and he is not only my boyfriend, but he eventually became my best friend as well. We share almost everything, and we compromise each other equally. This has been my best relationship, and I am looking forward to spending my time within the coming many more years with him.

DEALING WITH THE ADULT WORLD

Me as an adult

I am 26 years old, it is pretty clear that I have reached the adult world, but the question is how much have I dealt with the real world, which they call it "the hardest road"?  

Who says living in the adult world was easy? Only small innocent kids will say that because I wished to be an adult faster when I was only 13 years old, so I am free to do what I want. It is true that as an adult, you have more freedom to do what you want compared to being a kid that always need to follow your parents. But was being an adult easy, though? Well, it is not, sure you got the freedom but to become an adult and to live up to the real world's standard is a never-ending challenge. 

Since I was 19 years old, I have worked in three different industries (two retail stores, one bar, one fine dining restaurant and three teaching jobs) and I earned a degree in Fashion Marketing. What I had studied in college has no connection with my current position as a teacher right now. I chose this career path simply because teaching opens their doors for me and marketing did not due to my zero experience in the marketing field, and as usual this is the real world that I am dealing. 

Let me share you about what I had experience with criticism from people, well mostly the people who do not know me. I was criticized by my race, some language barriers. I was treated differently by not being able to speak in Cantonese, which is I am not from Hong Kong by the way and my fragile look, I seem to look weak to some of them. The criticism was not easy to take in at the beginning. There were days that I feel like giving up. So how did I end up dealing with criticism? The answer is simple, and i keep going and continue to do the best that I can. The pressure is always there because being an adult is hard, and the expectations of people and to yourself as well are still going to be overwhelming. But I know that my time will come, my time to call myself and to prove to people that they are wrong to belittle me will happen one day as soon as I am ready. I will continue to work hard and to take every minute to learn something new. Everyone starts from nothing to something. 

Just like what they said, "The struggle is real". But so what? If struggling can make you wiser and stronger, then why not? I would take this as an opportunity to learn and to become a better person.

MY BIGGEST CHALLENGES YET SO FAR

I can name three things that I would consider the most significant challenges in life so far.  

1. LIFE AS A WORKING STUDENT

Me as a working student. It was fun, memorable and challenging experience in my life.

It was my own choice to become a working student. I wanted to finish my studies, and it was unfortunate that my parents cannot afford my tuition fees. So I decided to take up a loan for my college fees. I had worked full-time jobs while studying. It is very tough, and my schedule was very hectic, but I wanted to finish my studies and earn myself a degree. 

It was not an easy road, and I was caught up with both school and work at the same. It is probably the biggest challenge I had ever face in my life, but all these hardships paid off as I finally graduated and got my degree! It is one of my biggest achievements, considering that I am supporting myself financially. 

I have created a blog about my life as a working student previously. You may check out the link of my blog if you fancy it.

Link - http://www.michellesochan.com/blogs/2015/11/6/life-as-a-working-student

2. HUMILIATION FROM PAST RELATIONSHIPS

I had experienced tons of humiliation from past relationships. This topic is quite sensitive, but I am not ashamed to share this either way. Breaking up was not the most painful part for me, but it is the aftermath of the breakups. The lies, tricks and rumours were the ones that gave me a hard time to move on with my life. 

I hate being lied on every final break up that I had, I always asked for the truth, but I guess those boys whom I used to date were too coward to tell me the truth but as always "the truth will always come out". I felt stupid for believing the lies and for trusting the wrong people. What is worst is that the people who I thought were on my side seems to know the whole truth before me, and no one says a word about it. That is when I started to feel like I got betrayed. 

My escape and solutions during these challenging times were alcohol and partying. I even came to that moment when I became an alcoholic, almost every day I am out drinking. Until one day, I realized this is not how I should treat myself, and I should not ruin my life before it is too late. It took a while before I can stand up on my own again and gain my confidence back. 

Humiliation was never an easy thing to handle. I honestly think that if I were not that strong enough, I would have eventually ruined my life until its unfixable.

3.  OVERCOMING FEAR OF FALLING

I DID IT! THE FEELING WAS GREAT!

I used to hate rides in the amusement park because I hate having my heart beat so fast and the adrenaline was overpowering. It is something that scares me. But do not get me wrong, I love adventures, but I just never dared to do it, not until my boyfriend Ryan persuaded me to let go of this fear. 

On our first anniversary back in September 2013, he had suggested us to go to Macau to celebrate our anniversary and to also do the bungee jump at the Macau Tower. We made a deal that I should do it now or never. I was petrified and even thought of backing out from our agreement, but then I do not want to go back to Hong Kong, knowing that people would tease me for not doing it. It is a bit of pressure, but honestly, I did the jump for myself, to conquer my fear of falling and experience this once in a lifetime opportunity.

The waiting time did not bother me that much as I was a bit calm. But it is when I was on the platform and while I was strolling to get to the edge. I regret looking down because that had made me want to shit myself. There are so many things going through my mind, but I let go, and I did it! Finally, I know the feeling of falling off from a Tower (61 floors to be precise). This adventure was by far my best adventure and something I am proud of sharing.  

MY PERSONALITY

Every person has a different personality, and everyone has their qualities that are good and bad.   

In my opinion, my personality is unique as I have qualities that only a few people know, and some of it may not even reflect on how I look.

So here are my personality, I am...

1. "Passionate about almost everything that I do."

When I do something, I always put passion and my heart into it. Even if I am doing something, I do not like at the beginning, but I will always find a way to be passionate about it. Let me put it this way, once I started something I will always find a way to be happy about it.

2. "Caring & understanding are my weaknesses."

Being caring and quick to understand people in any situations are considered as blessings. But the downside on this is that I care too much, sometimes I care even more than the person who is facing the obstacles itself. I care too much that I get disappointed in the end, now that is the problem about me, I care too much.

3. "I am adventurous & a travel junkie."

I may physically look fragile but trust me; I am a lot stronger than I seem. I love adventures, and I am up for it whenever I have a chance to do it. I am up for everything with an adrenaline rush, travels, climbing mountains, bungy jumping, sports and many more. Well, I am up for anything except for jumping a cliff. I do not know how to float, and I panicked when I do not have any life support. I believe that one day, I will overcome that fear. I love travelling and seeing new places, and my dream is to visit every place in the whole world.

4. "I remember everything." 

I have an excellent memory, and I remember most of the things that happened around me. When I say by everything, I mean everything, including what you say to me. 

5. "I am very stubborn."

My mom would agree with this very well. I may look like a sweet innocent and obedient girl, but as much as possible, I do everything my way. It is not perfect if I do not do it my way. But of course, if it is teamwork, then it is entirely different. I would know the difference. 

6. "I am a freak when it comes to being organized."

I have this disease of making everything around me organized even a simple thing. I prefer it all planned out and see it organized. I know it sounds crazy but trusts me, I feel good being organized and I hate missing out anything. 

7.  "I have a very dry sarcasm."

I laugh at jokes pretty quickly, but the problem is when I make jokes or when I try to be sarcastic, I sound like I am serious, complaining or angry. It is simple, and it is called dry sarcasm. 

8.  "My patient is high."

Every single day my patient is being tested. Special people surround me for some reason. Since I am a teacher, I would need to have a lot of patience, which is understandable. But there were days that I need to deal with people who are either dumb, clueless or selfish. I owe this to those people because my patience has gone to a completely different level because of them by overcoming them and not to stoop on their level.

9.  "I do not quit, and I do not give up easily."

When I want something, I do not just sit there and wait for it to happen. Even if it is quite impossible, I will not give up without giving it a try and a fight. I am not a quitter, and I make sure that I will do everything I can.

10. "I forgive, but I do not forget." 

It is simple, do not do anything terrible or I shall not forget it. Forgiving a person may seem to be a good vibe, but I always remind myself not to forget what the person did to me because I believe it is part of the lesson that I should never forget. Plus it is always good to be careful with sneaky people.

LIKES AND DISLIKES

Everyone has their different likes and dislikes about things, people, scenarios and feelings. I would start with my "likes"  first.

I like gatherings, it excites me, and honestly, I enjoy meeting new people. I like having deep conversations, mostly about life and some theories. I fancy people who are responsible, respectful, considerate and truthful. I love travelling, and I hope to see the whole world before I am gone. I like kids or teenagers who have manners and know how to behave themselves, especially in public. I love watching movies repeatedly as if like I never get tired of it. Lastly, I like keeping a planner as It helps me organize myself.

I dislike people that lie, primarily when they lie on my face when I already know the truth. I hate waiting for more than 15 minutes, especially when I am in a hurry. I get frustrated when a person does not pick up my calls, although I can be more patience with late text replies but not phone calls. I dislike people who use someone to get what they want and does not feel any remorse for doing it. I get turned off on cancelled plans, especially when it is by purposely. I hate surprises, I do not like to have an awkward moment, and everyone will stare at me. I hate cheaters, why not just break up and then find a new companion, why cheat? I do not fancy irresponsible people, especially when they have to be responsible. Lastly, I hate being unproductive, and I believe that a day should not be wasted doing nothing at all.

I am not going to be surprised if a person judges me before getting to know my story. I know that most people judge me base on how I look. Well, that is quite normal, but people should stop this habit and start to get to know the person first then be the judge later.

MY FOOD PREFERENCES

FAVOURITE DISHES

These are some of the favourite dishes

Cha Misua (Fukien noodles), Spaghetti (Italian style), Risotto with lots of Mushrooms, Steak Tartare (All time favourite!), Sinigang with Bangus (Filipino soup dish with Milkfish), Hot & Sour Soup (Shanghai style), Sunny Side Up Egg (I like the yolk to be perfect), Beef Taco (with lots of Guacamole), Morning Glory Vegetables (Thailand style), Fresh Oysters (I can take as many as possible if I could), Steamed Momo (Nepalese dumplings), Salmon Sashimi (Japanese style), Lamb Biryani (Indian dish), Rib Eye Steak (Medium Rare) and Clams in Oyster Sauce (Chinese style) are my favourite food.

VEGETABLES

I like all kinds of vegetables. I will name some of my most favourites. I like Carrots, Bitter Melon, Zucchini, Green Beans, Corn, Cabbage, Eggplant, Okra, Onion, Garlic, Potato and Radish.

MEAT

I like eating Beef, Lamb and Chicken. I strictly don't eat Pork, I have been Pork-free for ten months now. 

SEAFOOD

I am not much of a seafood person, but I do like several kinds of seafood. I like Oyster, Milk Fish, Small Clams, Salmon, Tuna and Shrimp/ Prawn (I will eat it as long as the skin are peeled off. Yes I am that lazy haha).

SOUP

I like all kinds of soup. I would feel super happy if there's soup in every meal regardless of what it is.  

DESSERT

I am not much of a sweet tooth. I only like a few desserts such as Chocolates, Avocado & Green Tea Ice Cream, Red Velvet Cupcake, Simple Cake and Leche Flan.

FRUITS

I like Banana, Apple, Green Grapes, Grapefruit, Tomato, Strawberry and Blueberries

SPICES

I like Vinegar (like a lot and I'm crazy about it). I also like Spicy and Gravy flavours.  

OTHERS

I like all kinds of Mushrooms and Black & White Truffles.

FOOD RESTRICTION

*STRICTLY NO PORK*

Why? It all started with this video of a piglet dancing to Rihanna's song "Work". Here is the youtube link, if you're curious of what the video might be.

Link of the dancing piglet - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X3QSfUk8Z6U

After watching this video, I fell in love with pigs, and I even considered to get a micro pig as my pet. Unfortunately, it is not possible as it is illegal to keep pigs as a pet in Hong Kong. Pigs are only legal for livestock (Booooo!). But anyway, I researched pigs and how intelligent they are, smarter than dogs. My research has gone deeper to how pigs are being slaughtered and the consequences of eating pork as well. Until one day, I woke up and decided to STOP eating pork. I am still hoping that one day, I will be able to keep a pig as a pet. One day!

MY ALCOHOL & NON-ALCOHOL DRINK PREFERENCES

I am a tea lady

Well let me start with my non-alcohol drink preferences first shall we? My favourite non-alcoholic drinks are:

Tea: Green Tea, Chinese Tea and Jasmine Tea (I am a tea lady), Ice Milk Tea (Hong Kong style) 

Juice: Apple Juice, Cranberry Juice, Bitter Melon Juice

Shake: Avocado Shake

And of course, Water H20 :)

My favourite alcoholic drinks are:

My best pal, Alcohol

Beer: My top 3 favourites - Corona, Tiger and Hoe-garden

Cocktail: Mai Tai (I will know if a bartender makes a legit Mai Tai or not) and Kamikazee 

Liquor: Jose Cuervo Tequila Gold, Tequila Rose, Patron XO Cafe, Myers Rum and 

Wine: Gavi di Gavi, Tenuta Delle Terre Nere Etna Blanco 2012, Paco Garcia Rioja

I REACH NUMERO 26

So how does it feel to be 26 now? Honestly, It has not synchronized in my mind yet. Does age matter on how you should be and what you should have achieved? In my opinion, It all should depend on experiences, how much you have encounter and learn in life. For 26 years, I would say I have gone through many hardships, learned and gain a lot of experiences, but I also know that there are still more challenges to face and new skills to gain. Life is full of surprises and non-stop adventures. As for physical appearance, well, I can tell you honestly that I do not look like I am 26 years old. I look a lot younger. What can I say, I got the Asian genes HA! 

WHAT AM I LOOKING FORWARD TO NEXT?

I am looking forward to what has yet to come. I will accept any challenges, where I can have the opportunity to learn, to fully utilize my strength and to achieve something. I believe that 2017 will be a good year for me. It is all about trusting your instincts, and if you genuinely believe that your year will be a good one, then it definitely will be. If I happen to make any mistake, I will be more than willing to learn from it. 

I hope that you all find my real life story amusing and that somehow you might learn something from it. I will be writing my next life journey when I turned 27 years old in December 2017 😊

Yours Truly, 

Michelle Chan

"Don't Judge A Book By Its Cover"

We live in a world in which people, every person that you meet will judge you for how you look, how you act, how you handle things, how you make decisions and what is your status in life. There are many people who are very hard to please and while there are only a few that are easier to please. But the point is, why does people care so much about being accepted, wanted and be the center of the crowd? Does pleasing people help us bring joy and peace in life? Do we need to feel wanted and accepted to be able to say we are successful? Why does status in life in general is so important to people?

I stand in the term of "Just be yourself". I genuiely believe that when you act and be yourself in front of many people, that is how you will truly gain the respect and the integrity that you really deserved. Meanwhile, pretending to be somebody else in order to please other people may bring dissatisfaction, unhappiness and empty within themselves. 

Personally speaking, I grow up hearing many and different kinds of harsh words. Some of it comes from my own family, friends, co-workers and some people that i just met. All the harsh words that I have heard affected me a lot and it somehow made me lose my confidence. The good and positive thing about me is that even when I got hurt by the harsh words but I lifted myself up and help myself to bring my confidence back. I eventually learn how to ignore them or rather just chose to treat those harsh words as concerns or compliments to do a better job or be a better person. After all, I cannot please everybody. 

I was judged by how I look. I look innocent and naive, people cheat, lie on me plenty of times and take advantage of my kindness. Eventually i figure out the truth and I learn my lesson on not to be so kind to people who only sees me as an object or somebody who only comes to me whenever they need something.

The thing is we cannot change how we look, whether or not we look kind or mean. A person shouldn't be judge by how they look. We should all get to know a person first before we judge them. 

Yours Sincerely,

Michelle Chan