love — Blogs — michellesochan

This blog is dedicated to my late father who had passed away on February 28, 2018. I decided to write a blog about my father as a way to express myself about the loss, grievance, guilt and my fondest memories of him.

My father, Chan Ming Hsan had been ill for 8 years and he was the strongest man I ever know of. He fought for many years and survived 2 strokes. He had high blood pressure and as well as diabetes mellitus. Despite all these sicknesses, he managed to live his life and continue to fight it until his very last breath. My father was only 70 years old when he left this world.

My father in his younger days

Back when everything were so simple

THE PHONE CALL THAT CHANGED MY LIFE FOREVER

I received a call from my big brother, Clinton on 28th February at around 7:20 pm. I just got on the train and took off my coat and my phone from the pocket. As I picked up the call, I was struck by the sudden news from my brother. He said, "Papa is gone" and I replied "Huh? What do you mean by gone?" "Like he's dead?" and he said in return, "I think so.." I was speechless.

My mother was calling on the other line as well and as I picked up the call, I immediately asked her if what my brother said was true and to my surprise, it was true, my father had left us. My mother told me that I can still see my father before they move him to the morgue. I rushed to the hospital as soon as I can, I was in tears and my heart was crushing so much after hearing the very sad news. That phone call has changed my life forever.

WHEN I SAW MY FATHER ON HIS DEATHBED

My heart was beating so hard as I enter the hospital. I was thinking to myself "Am I really ready to see my father on his deathbed?" I went on to face the reality. I was speechless when I got into his bed station. My tears kept flowing down as I look at him. We were all trying to wake him up and telling him that he cannot leave us just yet. I saw my mother pumping my father's heart, like CPR. It took us a while to leave his bed station. Everything was still a shock and it's still processing in my mind slowly. Half of the time at the hospital, I was thinking that it is not real and he will wake up in just a few minutes, but he never did.

My big sister took care of the arrangements for them to deliver our father's body to the morgue. I couldn't stomach it, I tried listening and looking at the paperwork but I can't deal with it. I walked away. My boyfriend Ryan called as he saw my message and he was just as surprised as everyone was by the news. I expressed to him, "My father left us. No one will bring me to the aisle when I get married"

It was a painful moment when two men arrived with a mortuary tray and soon they led us to the main entrance where the morgue was. It was still all sudden to me.

TWO DAYS BEFORE MY FATHER PASSED AWAY

I remember seeing my father two days before he passed away. He was confined in the hospital to get treatment. When I arrived at his bed station, I woke him up by shaking his body. He opened his eyes and saw me, he put up his hand and held my hand and smiled very sweetly. I hardly remember when was the last time I saw my father smiled that way. I asked how he was and he said happily that he is getting better and he is coming home very soon. I really thought he was recovering. I will always remember how happy and peaceful he was that night I last saw him.

My sister arrived shortly and we all chatted until it was the end of the visiting hours. Little did we know that was the last time we will ever see our father alive, smiling and our last goodbye with him. If I knew that he will be gone two days later, I would've hugged him really tightly and stayed with him even longer. I would've probably begged him not to leave us, it may sound very selfish of me but I am sincerely not ready to lose my father yet.

ON HIS LAST BIRTHDAY - HE LIVED A FRUITFUL 70 YEARS

Despite the sad news, we were still lucky to have celebrated my father's 70th birthday last year and we were able to get him two delicious cakes and cooked his favorite dishes. My father loves eating sweet, although he only had a thin slice because he can't eat a lot of sweet stuff. Little did we all know that was his last birthday with us. Unfortunately, my father is never going to reach 71 years old but his birthday will never be forgotten.

He loved his 2 birthday cakes

Last family photo with our father

GRIEVING IS VERY CRUCIAL

The grieving part is the hardest and most unbearable thing I ever have to deal with. I still went to work the next day. My mother advised us all to continue with our lives and although we must mourn, my father wouldn't want to see us suffering. It was hard pretending to be alright at work. I work with children, I am an English teacher in a learning center and as a teacher, I must be very vocal and energetic. It was hard and yet I was distracted for at least a moment I wasn't thinking about my father and then I would remember him again. The first two weeks were very hard. There were times I had to escape to the toilet and cry a little bit and go back to my class.

I am still grieving over his death. I am not over it. I don't know when I will recover from this, only time can heal the grief that I feel.

I HATE BEING ALONE

Being alone makes me vulnerable. I hate and I am afraid of being left alone. I tried to surround myself with people all the time, so I get distracted and to keep myself busy. This is the only way I could think of that would somehow ease the pain, although it's only temporarily, it somehow helped me feel a little bit better about the situation.

I am very grateful and thankful to the people who were there for me during this fiasco.

I SMILE ON THE OUTSIDE BUT DYING INSIDE

I am a happy and positive person. I smile or laugh at simple things and even corny jokes. I normally feel happy whenever I smile, however, I find it very difficult to feel the same now. I may be smiling on the outside but I am completely dead inside. I feel that there is a big hole in my heart. Regardless, I still keep on telling myself that everything will be okay in time and that I should keep smiling as this is what my father would want me to do, that is to smile.

PRETENDING TO BE OKAY IS NOT OKAY

Not a lot of people know what my family is going through and for those who don't know, I have to pretend to be okay with them. You see, I'm not out to seek anyone's attention and I don't want people to worry about me. Whilst it is all still fresh, I keep the news only to a few people I am comfortable with. With that being said, I still think that pretending to be okay is not okay, however, we must face the reality and must think positively that everything will be well.

IT NEVER GETS EASIER, IT ONLY GETS HARDER DAY BY DAY

Just when I thought I was fine and starting to move on, I come to realize that I never will as it only gets harder day by day, weeks by weeks, months by months and probably years by years. I remember feeling slightly a little better after three weeks. Then out of the blue, I find myself grieving once again. Reliving all those painful memories the night my father died.

ALL I WANT IS TO BREAK FREE FROM ALL THE PAIN

I work six days a week, nine hours a day at work and gym sessions three times a week. I try to live normally and go on with my life but to be honest, all I want to do is to break free and just don't show up to work, to the gym or see anyone at all. I wasn't entirely interested in anything and my mood has been changing drastically. I just want to lock myself in a room full of darkness and mourn. But I needed to fight that feeling as it won't do me any good. This is not what my father would want and I don't want to make people worry about me.

WATCHING MY FATHER SUFFER FOR 8 YEARS BREAKS MY HEART

For 8 years, my father battled with many sicknesses. He fought with it and stayed strong. It killed me to see him suffer as he was once a proud and strong man. He taught me many things and showed me many things when he was still able to. He wasn't paralyzed after his stroke, he could still walk but he was not the same man anymore. I still love my father in spite of the changes, it just really hurts to see him suffer for too long and it hurts, even more, when he left us.

My father always tells me that he will not last very long since he got sick. Every year, I made it for his birthday and I had no intention of missing them. Unfortunately, last year was his last birthday with us. My father taught me many things but he never taught me how to live without a father.

A HOLE IN MY HEART AND FEELING INCOMPLETE

There is a hole in my heart, even until now. After my father left us, I felt that a part of me is missing and without that missing piece, I am incomplete. Sometimes I try to look for that missing piece but the truth is no one can ever replace my father. I will always have one father and that is him. He is irreplaceable.

PEOPLE WHO WERE THERE FOR ME AND MY FAMILY

I am very surprised for those who had and are still with us during this very sad moment of our lives. I can't thank those people enough but I am very grateful for their support and help. It means a lot to see people care. In times like this, you get to really know who is really there for you and who is not.

WHAT I EXPECTED FROM PEOPLE AND WHAT I DON'T

Honestly, I didn't really expect much from people. I received a lot of condolences and sorries from people and I am truly grateful for their sympathy. Some people also offered some help. It's a very weird feeling when I hear "condolences" or "sorries" from people because it only means that it is real, my father really had left this world. To be honest, I don't really know what to say to people. All I can say was "Thank you" or sometimes I just nodded just to acknowledge their sympathy.

The first few weeks, I received much help and I began to see that people do care. But as time goes by, people start to forget and they start to be normal around me, although, I can't blame them because most of the people probably don't have any idea of what I am going through. It is not something that I can get over within just a few weeks but I am really not expecting much from people. Although I feel quite disappointed with how quickly people forget, I really cannot blame them for anything. The only person who can help me recover is myself.

I FEEL LIKE NO ONE UNDERSTAND WHAT IM FEELING

It's true that not everyone can understand what I am going through or what my family is going through. I only know a few people who had lost their parent at a young age and the other 80% of people that I know have no idea how it actually feels like. There were many moments that I thought that nobody understands me and no one is getting what I am feeling.

I met a few people who had lost their father in their 20s, just like me. I started sharing my stories about my father and same goes for them. I felt a little better after opening up. It made me feel that I am not alone in this.

I HAVE THOUGHT OF SEEING A THERAPIST

Honestly speaking, I had thought of seeing a therapist. I told no one about this because I know what people will say to me. It is true, seeing a therapist is not an option and it is understandable why I was having a thought about it. There was a moment when I just want to talk to someone who doesn't know who I am and know nothing about my life. Just when I came back to my senses, I started scolding myself and called myself "Pathetic" for even thinking about. I know I can do this, It may take a long time to recover but I can do this on my own. My father taught me well.

SOMETIMES I AM STILL IN DENIAL, NOT WANTING TO FACE THE REALITY

There are times when I feel that I have already accepted my father's death and then there are times when I am still in denial. It is really difficult to accept it right away. Whenever I am in denial, I start to think about the memories that I had with my father and the promises that he made. It feels like it's not really his time to go yet. I feel like he's just there next door or he just went out but he will be coming home soon.

I WILL ALWAYS MISS HIS COMPLIMENTS

To my father, I am perfect, even though I am not. He always shows me off to people and he compliments me a lot of times. That is how I think how I get my confidence from. He made me feel like I can be something in this world.

I remember that one time I was working on my school project. I had to use some recycled materials to make an eco-friendly clock. My father saw me working on it and told me that it looks beautiful. The next day, I passed my project and my professor was not totally impressed with my work and even said that an eight-year-old can do better than what I did. I realized that my father was patronizing me but not because he was lying about how my project really looks but because he understood how hard I worked on that project and that is his definition of beautiful.

I will be longing for his words of compliments and courage. He is the reason why I am the way I am today.

WAITING ALMOST TWO MONTHS TO LAY MY FATHER IN PEACE

My father passed away in Hong Kong and the funeral procedures here in Hong Kong is different than other countries. My father is a Buddhist and so it is a must to hold a traditional funeral. The earliest date available that we can hold a funeral for our father was a month later after he passed away. Then, we have to wait for two weeks until we can finally bring my father's urn back to the Philippines. It was such a relief when my father had been put to rest, all the waiting is over. My father can finally find peace.

Frankly speaking, it was torture having to wait for almost two months to finally lay my father in peace. It is even harder to go on with life knowing that my father has not been put to rest yet. Everyday whenever I go to work, there was not a time that I don't think about how's my father doing, He must be feeling lost, lonely, cold and trapped in that morgue inside a zip bag. It's terrible and I cannot believe that this is how it is in Hong Kong. I was beyond displeased and as much as I wanted to do something about it, it is out of my control. The only thing I could do is to be patient and try to be strong for myself and for my family.

I MADE A LETTER TO MY FATHER

Since my father left us unexpectedly and we didn't say our goodbyes yet. I decided to write him a letter. In that letter, I wrote down the things I want to say to him and what I want to promise him. Whilst I was writing the letter, I was getting emotional and it took me four attempts to finally finish the letter.

On the day on his funeral, I slipped the letter into his pocket. I believe that there is a chance that he might be able to receive and read my letter to him. I have a feeling that he will be very happy with what I wrote in there.

My letter to my father in Chinese

English version

THE LAST MOMENT WITH MY FATHER

Before the farewell ceremony and prayer on my father's funeral, we were given some time to be with our father for the last time before they put him inside his casket. It was a very heavy and emotional moment. I was with my mother at the time. We were both saying goodbye to him. My mother was crying so much and I comforted her. I have to be strong for my mother during that time and I had to pull her out of the room because I felt that she won't ever leave my father's side.

I cannot imagine how painful my mother was feeling during that moment. They had been together for 38 years. That was a long year of commitment, love, patience, and respect.

THE HAND GESTURE

My father always asked for my hand with his left hand when I visited him in the hospital during his confinement. On the night that he passed away, I held the same hand that he always used to hold my hand. It's kind of a coincidence because two days before he left us, he had asked for my hand with his left hand once again and apparently for the last time.

During his funeral, I had the chance to see him outside his casket. He was placed on a bed tray with a blanket. I held his left hand as much as I can every time I go into the room where his body was. It felt good holding his hand and I truly felt that he is holding my hand too.

THE VERY LAST TIME I TOOK A GLIMPSE OF MY FATHER

The hardest part aside from mourning over my father's death was during the very last time I saw my father. He was already placed inside the casket whilst I and my family were taking around to have a look at him for the very last time. It was a painful moment. I thought to myself, "This is really happening, he is gone forever in this world." I will never ever see him face to face ever again.

PASSING BY THE SAME FUNERAL EVERYDAY ON MY WAY TO WORK

One of my difficult moments whilst moving forward, which means going to work as usual was having to pass by the Funeral House, where my father had his funeral service. The last time I get to hold and see him happened in that place. I have to pass by that Funeral House on my way to work and on my way back home. There isn't any other convenient transportation that I could take to get to work. I didn't have a choice but to endure the pain each time I have to pass by there. I know for sure that I will eventually get over it after we've placed our father's urn in the Philippines in a Buddhist temple.

My instinct was right, I no longer feel my father's presence in that Funeral House ever since we laid him to rest in a Buddhist temple in the Philippines. My inner self is telling me that he is now in peace and in a place where he can finally rest.

MOOD CHANGES

I've noticed something very different about me since my father's death. My mood has been changing rapidly. Sometimes I am feeling okay and most of the time I feel devastated. I find myself dealing with mood swings, I was fine a moment ago then suddenly my mood changes in a split second later. Somehow, my mood swings have been affecting me in my daily life routines. I find myself less dedicated to work and I really don't have the mood to see people or to deal with anyone.

I couldn't understand what I was feeling at first but I came to realize that all I need is time to heal, accept and to continue believing that everything will be alright in the right time.

I WILL NOT MOVE ON BUT I WILL MOVE FORWARD

Unlike a broken relationship, moving on is not very hard, whilst losing a parent is incomparable. I used to think that moving on from a bad break up was difficult to deal with but I was wrong. Trying to move on from my father's death is beyond hard. There is no such thing as moving on. Instead, I will move forward in life. I will continue living my life the way my father wanted me to.

I dislike the word move on because we often refer the word "move on" into bad breakups, whilst moving forward sounds a lot better to me.

Losing my father made me realize many things. Life is indeed very short. We may often think that we have plenty of time to do what we want to do but we pay too little attention to how long a person will be able to stay with us. It's true that we don't think about this kind of situation until it has actually happened to us.

I cannot imagine how my life is going to be after losing my father but I know one thing for sure, he is there watching over us and I will live my life and be a better person. My father may have left this universe but his memories will never be forgotten. I will never forget about him and I will always remember all the things I have learned from him. I will share his memories with my children once I have my own. I want my future kiddos to know about how incredible their grandfather was.

I hope that my story will help those who had also lost a parent and finds it hard to move forward.

Yours Truly,

Michelle Chan

THE BEGINNING

WE ARE VERY DIFFERENT

SOMETHING WE HAVE IN COMMON

WE COMPROMISE EACH OTHER A LOT

WHY WE NEED EACH OTHER

SIX YEARS